My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
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if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.