I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
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All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Me: I鈥檓 sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn鈥檛 eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Looks like someone鈥檚 thrown Yoda through a window.
be careful
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Remember when we didn鈥檛 let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 馃檪
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Tom Holland鈥檚 nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Where鈥檚 a careening bus when you need it?
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he鈥檚 been homeschooled his whole life.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON鈥橳 YOU?!?
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues