[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
You Might Also Like
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?