Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
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Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.