HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
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I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
they split up moments later
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Don’t talk down to me
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins