figuring out my emotional availability:
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My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle