WTF
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Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.