Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
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*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
😂😂
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow