I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
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Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Just me?
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.