When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
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[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.