PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
You Might Also Like
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
plant them where lol
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.