Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
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HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.