If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
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Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.