[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
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Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.