[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
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Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition