your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
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My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?