I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
You Might Also Like
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH