wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
You Might Also Like
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep