My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
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[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!