Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
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me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who