I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
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It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”