According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
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ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
🍛
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?