Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
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My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
I have a new favorite meme page
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂