I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
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Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
I can’t deal with men any longer
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Lmao
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.