so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
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Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
fixed it
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*