I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
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Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?