[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
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Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat