[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
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I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
The point of your 20s
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
when nothing goes right… go left
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back