I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
You Might Also Like
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot