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I didn’t come here to be called names
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle