I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
You Might Also Like
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Not today. 😅
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?