just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
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Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.