Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
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Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
incredible text to wake up to
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Ron is short for Aaronald
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will