waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
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Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
I want to meet the individual who made this
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother