The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
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Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created