Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
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[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her