Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
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[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.