Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
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i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
this is the greatest thing ever
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*