Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
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And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato