I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
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My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Nice try, poison.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.