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Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for