I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
You Might Also Like
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.