Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
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Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.