I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
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Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*