[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
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why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now