Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
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I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Canada has crack?
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
these two trucks have the same bed length
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
My safe word is Worcestershire
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?