dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
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Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!