It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
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One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG