16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
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Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
School be like
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people