Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
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My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters